Waking up
The one time of the year when having young children actually serves as a welcome wakeup-call. Otherwise you would probably sleep through the entire festivities, having celebrated heavily the night before.
If you don’t have kids, don’t worry, you’re bound to know some idiot who thinks it would be a good idea to send you a “merry xmas” text at eight in the sodding morning.
Presents (round 1)
This is where the first official round of present-opening takes place, the ones that have been positioned perfectly under your tree like a beautiful, ornate scene out of a Christmas catalogue… soon to resemble the opening scenes from Saving Private Ryan.
Tidying up (round 1)
Roughy three minutes later, give or take, depending on how well you were able to locate those tricky taped-down corners and peel off the sellotape, it’s time to bag everything up… a bit like the closing scene from Saving Private Ryan.
The come down
It’s only ten in the morning and already the novelty of Christmas has completely worn off. It may have something to do with the fact that your adrenaline levels have depleted exponentially after the initial buildup, or maybe it’s because you didn’t get that PS4/ Dolce & Gabana set you’d been hinting at for so long. Either way, it’s just a day like any other now, it’s not even snowing, and you couldn’t care less.
Seeing relatives
Depending on how much you actually like your extended family, this will either be an imposition or a massive imposition. It makes no difference if you’re going round to theirs or it’s the other way around; you have to make an effort of some sorts and it hurts.
Presents (round 2)
This is where you have to physically exchange gifts like two converging tribes who are secretly fragile and apologetic on the inside. Just open your present, smile, and move on to the next.
Never, I repeat never, say what you have just received out loud. This is a blatant sign of feigning gratification. Nobody has ever opened a 55inch television and said “Ahhh, a 55 inch television!”.
Tidying up (round 2)
This time it’s fine. Your mum will do it.
Christmas lunch and the airing of truths
By now you’ve probably consumed copious amounts of alcohol and chocolate, which, contrary to belief, does not ruin your appetite. Alcohol does, however, inhibit your ability to remain civil at the dinner table and you will probably make a snide remark about the turkey, or mention the fact that Dam Busters isn’t a proper Christmas movie, no matter what your grandad used to say.