We love a good pub here at MixingOut, and with the weather beginning to turn and a hint of clarion in the air – okay, maybe we’re jumping the gun there – we’re already picturing ourselves sat outside, cold drink in hand, meeting people and having a good time.
That’s right, we’re talking about beer gardens, that good old British institution that makes drinking outside socially acceptable. And what better way to kick things off than with a brief lesson in pub garden etiquette.
Thou Will Wear Sunglasses, Even When it’s Cloudy
Whether the sun is blazing or sulking behind a reef of ominous-looking clouds, wearing sunglasses is an absolute MUST. It’s a scientific fact that wearing sunglasses makes you 75% cooler in the eyes of other people, especially the opposite sex. And this figure has been thought to rise whilst wearing sunglasses at night.
Populate Your Table With ‘Trophies’
Every empty glass is a marker for how much of a good time you and your friends are having, so display them proudly on the table. You should be aiming for ‘absolute clutter’ to the point where it’s almost impossible to set another drink down or liberally move your elbows.
Impose Your Sporting Ideologies On Other People
If there’s a game on then for god’s sake let EVERYBODY ELSE know about it. You’re not a real man unless you’re donning your team’s colours and shouting abuse at professional athletes on the projector screen. You may have moobs/a scrawny physique, but nobody will question your masculinity when you’re shrieking like a Viking.
Pick The Largest Table With The Parasol, Even if There’s Only Two Of You
Large groups of people can just collect chairs and crowd themselves around a smaller table, whispering amongst themselves between shooting you seething glances. It’s not your problem. An ideal ratio for picking the biggest, best-shaded table is 3 of them for every 1 of you.
If You Can’t See Your Car From Where You’re Sitting, Move
The biggest advantage of sitting outside in a beer garden is that you can check on your car every five or six minutes, just to make sure it’s still ‘okay’. If for some reason you have to awkwardly crane your neck or get up out of your seat to view it, then insist on moving to another table – even if this means upsetting everybody else with you.